“You say to yourself, ‘Is this all there is?’ For your days are so empty that you question the very purpose of your existence. Were you brought into this world merely to endure a lifetime of boredom, wearied by the smallness of all things? “Where is the grand passion? Where is the great love? Your waking hours are spent on meaningless tasks. your sleep is fretful and your dreams blank. All you know is a vague longing, unable to believe that you were born merely to shuffle to the grave never having felt passion, never having known a love so great that it conquers you, and by so doing, allows you to triumph.” “I say to you that passion and love await you. I speak of the glory of unquestioning faith, the bliss that you will know through total obedience to God’s commands.”

Capital Crimes-Lawrence Sanders.

I think that’s the first two word title I’ve had on my blog.

I spent yesterday in Traverse City with Bradley. I feel a good friendship starting up here. Which is an incredible feeling. I also got a call from a potential employer today asking to set up a job interview. I hope I can get the job.

I love it.

1. Wealth without work

2. Pleasure without conscience

3. Knowledge without character

4. Commerce without morality

5. Science without humanity

6. Worship without sacrifice

7. Politics without principle

—Mahatma Gandhi

“why don’t you kneel before me and worship me anymore?”

• I’m selfish.
• I don’t want to have to do things outside of my comfort zone.
• I don’t want to give up my plans for yours.

Those are all the actual reasons I gave. But in the end He lead me to these verses in the Psalms that say:

1 Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD;
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.

2 Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.

3 For the LORD is the great God,
the great King above all gods.

4 In his hand are the depths of the earth,
and the mountain peaks belong to him.

5 The sea is his, for he made it,
and his hands formed the dry land.

6 Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the LORD our Maker;

7 for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.
Today, if you hear his voice,

8 do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah, ^[a]
as you did that day at Massah ^[b] in the desert,

9 where your fathers tested and tried me,
though they had seen what I did.

10 For forty years I was angry with that generation;
I said, “They are a people whose hearts go astray,
and they have not known my ways.”

11 So I declared on oath in my anger,
“They shall never enter my rest.”

“will you kneel before your Creator, will you bow down before me? will you let me deal with your heart?”

I didn’t answer with words. I simply knelt and was quiet.

“it’s not that I don’t know- but I want to hear it from you… will you turn it over to me?”

I was silent. But after a few minutes my heart felt like it was going to explode. I said:

“It’s going to be hard, I know. You still know me, but I don’t know you. But here I am, I will submit to your calling. I will follow your lead. I will learn to submit to you. I will let you deal with my heart. Take me.”

He said: “Finally, my Daughter is here…. “

“They traded the truth about God for a lie.” Romans 1:25
“Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? But because you are stubborn and refuse to turn from your sin, you are storing up terrible punishment for yourself. For a day of anger is coming when God’s righteous judgment will be revealed.” Romans 2:4-5

Have you ever cared so much for someone that you put up with their every unjust action simply because you wanted to be there to help them out when you could or point them in the right direction? Some days were good, and you didn’t feel used and completely thrown to the curb. Yet other days could be completely unbearable. This person was or still could be stubborn and indifferent to your feelings. And you know that someday- if things don’t change, you will have to end the relationship for good.

I imagine that is exactly how God feels when his people trade his truth for lies and become so hard hearted that they refuse to listen to his warnings even though he is patient and kind. I assume that God is looking down going- why don’t we go bowling instead of to that kegger? But who wants to be responsible right? I know I feel that way. Why be responsible and boring? But what I haven’t realized is that by being responsible I avoid the trouble that is ahead. I will have no fear of the punishment that awaits those who trade God for lies. As long as I find and keep the truth.

A collaboration piece between Todd and I for his Oral Communication Class…

“My name was Captain Kidd, when I sailed, when I sailed, And so wickedly I did, God’s laws I did forbid, When I sailed, when I sailed. I roamed from sound to sound, And many a ship I found, And then I sunk or burned, When I sailed. You’re welcome to my gold, For I must die, I must die. Farewell to Lunnon town, the pretty girls all round, No pardon can be found, and I must die, I must die, Farewell, for I must die. Then to eternity, in hideous misery, I must lie, I must lie.”
Those are the last words of Captain William Kidd who was hanged in London, England on May 23, 1701.

Turn with me to Matthew 6:19, and I’ll read through verse 21, then reading verse 24 as well.
“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be. (24) No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

Kidd was a fierce pirate who ruled the seas; he battled and looted ship after ship sinking them and her crew. He was one of the wealthiest pirates of his era and his treasure, which he buried, has not been found. Kidd experienced a terrible death: the hangman’s rope broke twice, the third time it held. Once Kidd was dead, his body was dipped in tar and hung by chains along the Thames River. Kidd’s body served as a warning to all would-be pirates for years to come.

Even Captain Kidd, a notorious pirate, knew his treasure would remain on earth as he passed on into eternity. Saying as he was hung, “you’re welcome to my gold, for I must die.” So why do we foolishly store up treasures here on earth, hoping to bury them and keep them safe when we know that our treasures should be stored in heaven where no moth, rust, or treasure hunter can find and take them? Figuratively speaking, why do we ignore the warning of Captain Kidd hanging along the Thames River? Kidd’s body no longer hangs along the riverside and piracy is now a term most frequently used in the media industry. But the same basic concepts are there.

We should take note that Kidd literally stored his treasure here on earth. His wealth was immense; he had ships filled with gold, jewels, spices, fabrics, and everything else you can imagine. He lived with his treasure, and he guarded it with his heart and soul. But this scripture warns us against storing our treasures here on the earth. Kidd stored treasure on earth, in its entirety, would never be able to buy him in to the kingdom, or further him in the afterlife in anyway.

I personally find it humorous that pirates fly under a black flag attacking ships only under the cover of darkness when the captain and crew would be unaware of the presence of the pirate crew. Pirates like Captain Kidd are a prime example of why we humans cannot serve two masters. Kidd had a contract to turn over part of his profits to the King, 60% of them to be exact. But when he hired in his crew he promised them 60% of the profits as well, keeping only 40% for himself as Captain.

When Kidd was turned over to the King of England he was tried as a pirate even though he had a contract to plunder and steal for the throne of England. Kidd was convicted of piracy because his heart was not loyal to the King; his heart was loyal to his treasures. I know for a fact in my life, that when I’m not loyal to the King, my heart is seeking earthly riches and treasures. My sentences are full of I want statements or I need statements. I become greedy and disloyal to Christ and his kingdom. Mutiny reigns in my soul when I start storing my treasures here on the earth.

Because Kidd stored all his treasures on earth, the desires of his heart were also obviously for the earthly. He was well aware of this with his final words “No pardon can be found, and I must die, I must die, Farewell, for I must die. Then to eternity, in hideous misery, I must lie, I must lie.” Kidd knew he was entering an eternity without the treasures he worked his whole life to store. We need to store our treasures up in heaven by living the way Christ has mapped out for us. Then when we face death, unlike Kidd who knew he had seen the best he would have, we will know that the best is yet to come.

silence leads my heart to places I have never been
my soul is tainted, and the windows in are dark and stormy
subconscious thoughts suppressed by my conscious mind
is this warfare and violence just an image of my mind?

the space between my knees and the floor
is a space i’ve never traveled before
yet i’ll take the time to walk the aisle
passing pews full of desolate smiles

i stare solemnly at the floor
watching where and what my feet have found
through eyes that only see black and grey
ahead i see glory won and victory lost
a color i have never seen before

all eyes before had seemed so empty
these eyes are different they are burning
with passion and love with flame and fire
the shackles that once had bound
my wrist together fall shamefully to the ground

with free hands i reach to the one
who turned those chains undone
touching his hand
and looking at mine

i try to step forward but find I cannot
simply instead i kneel to the floor
staring at the crimson on my hands
then i hear a whisper so clear

my child quit wandering for i am here
this color is gold this color is pure
this color means salvation is here

the crimson never leaves his outstretched arms
the tear of love never leaves his passionate eye
instead i leave different than when i came
a new direction without any pain

my heart was broken when the man i fell in love with, didn’t fall in love with me. since that moment when i looked in his eyes and saw the emptiness ive felt destroyed and hurt and broken hearted. since then ive allowed myself to be used by men so badly. i allow myself to be put in situations where nothing but trouble and a broken and abused heart can result. now love is simply trying to win the approval of men who i dont know or truly love because the man i love… doesn’t love me.

i am dirty. i am disgusting. and i will never be the same.

Maybe this is where we say our good bye’s. Most of us are parting ways, simply due to the fact that we’re growing older, moving forward, we’re all changing this time. It’s not your fault, maybe it’s mine. Perhaps I cannot see the differences between you and I but I keep holding on so tight to what we used to have. Time keeps ticking, seconds turn to minutes turn to hours then to days and every one passes by and the calendar pages keep on turning. Everything changes, except for me, I stand here trying to hold on to time. I’m failing and don’t even realize that I’m losing you all this time.

I must confess that I am a mess. My life is nothing but chaos and a web of lies that I’ve woven for years and years. You thought I could be so dedicated so much different than what I truly am. You were there hoping and praying that maybe I’d grab a hold this time. But I didn’t and I couldn’t and now I simply wouldn’t. I don’t want your games, your rules and requirements. The politics, the games, the stupidity of it all. And you say that I’m the one being dumb when I turn and run, but you know that I know that I haven’t found “The One”.

If it’s not one thing it’s another, I’m at fault somehow. I should have gotten it together, but I was too busy living life. Out partying out living, out having a good time. And now I’m here just wondering could I hold on any longer. My pain is real, don’t say it’s all in my head because I’ve known this for years. It echo’s every wasted minute of this pretend life- “you’ll never make it, you’re not good enough, you’ll never be what you’re supposed to be, just give up, you’re worthless… you are nothing.” It echo’s and echo’s and when I close my eyes I see dreams fading and slipping out of my sight. I see my life… going no where… so this is why we say good bye.

As many of you know I was planning on going back to school at Bethany this year. In the last week my loans fell through and I am unable to go and so I started to evaluate my life and the things that I want and desire to have. Some of you may get pissed because of what I have chosen to do instead and others will probably rejoice and thank God that I’m not going to be in full time ministry.

Either way- your reaction to my action will not change my mind. You’re pissy-ness and cheering is futile.

I am going to continue my degree at MCC in business management/administration and marketing- and probably graphic design. I will then work on my masters as I am working for some corporation or graphic design company. Which means, someday I might be a CEO in the corporate world driving a Mercedes… haha. Joking.. well partially.

There you have it… My Next Steps..