bye.

Maybe this is where we say our good bye’s. Most of us are parting ways, simply due to the fact that we’re growing older, moving forward, we’re all changing this time. It’s not your fault, maybe it’s mine. Perhaps I cannot see the differences between you and I but I keep holding on so tight to what we used to have. Time keeps ticking, seconds turn to minutes turn to hours then to days and every one passes by and the calendar pages keep on turning. Everything changes, except for me, I stand here trying to hold on to time. I’m failing and don’t even realize that I’m losing you all this time.

I must confess that I am a mess. My life is nothing but chaos and a web of lies that I’ve woven for years and years. You thought I could be so dedicated so much different than what I truly am. You were there hoping and praying that maybe I’d grab a hold this time. But I didn’t and I couldn’t and now I simply wouldn’t. I don’t want your games, your rules and requirements. The politics, the games, the stupidity of it all. And you say that I’m the one being dumb when I turn and run, but you know that I know that I haven’t found “The One”.

If it’s not one thing it’s another, I’m at fault somehow. I should have gotten it together, but I was too busy living life. Out partying out living, out having a good time. And now I’m here just wondering could I hold on any longer. My pain is real, don’t say it’s all in my head because I’ve known this for years. It echo’s every wasted minute of this pretend life- “you’ll never make it, you’re not good enough, you’ll never be what you’re supposed to be, just give up, you’re worthless… you are nothing.” It echo’s and echo’s and when I close my eyes I see dreams fading and slipping out of my sight. I see my life… going no where… so this is why we say good bye.

next.

As many of you know I was planning on going back to school at Bethany this year. In the last week my loans fell through and I am unable to go and so I started to evaluate my life and the things that I want and desire to have. Some of you may get pissed because of what I have chosen to do instead and others will probably rejoice and thank God that I’m not going to be in full time ministry.

Either way- your reaction to my action will not change my mind. You’re pissy-ness and cheering is futile.

I am going to continue my degree at MCC in business management/administration and marketing- and probably graphic design. I will then work on my masters as I am working for some corporation or graphic design company. Which means, someday I might be a CEO in the corporate world driving a Mercedes… haha. Joking.. well partially.

There you have it… My Next Steps..

bat.

A friend of mine preached last sunday about getting in the game of life as a Christian. He used an illustration of a little kid trying to bat at a ball and missing- and a parent stepping in and helping the child swing and hit the ball. He then said “Sometimes God asks us to hold on to the bat as he swings.”

Today, I learned something about that. My loans are waiting on certification from Bethany. And that is all. I will finally have the money I need to pursue school. It’s been 3 months I’ve been battling to get this done and worked out. I kept swinging and missing… that is until I let God hold onto the bat and swing for me.

My loans. My ride. and so forth are all working out sweetly…