starving.

A while ago when I was trying to quit an addictive habit a friend of mine asked me if I knew the difference between fasting and starving. I told him that I did. Fasting being the willful abstaining from something, mainly food, beverages, chocolates, etc.. Starving takes place when a person cannot obtain items such as food and so forth. Starving can also take place when a person grudgingly denies themselves or another person said items like food and beverages.

He of course agreed with me, and then said “Don’t starve yourself of cigarettes.” That sentence changed my whole perspective on quitting and my perspective on life in general. I no longer wanted to starve myself of things I should be fasting from and I wanted to fast from things that I was starving from.

I wanted to fast from cigarettes. I wanted to fast from my addictive sins. A few words I do not like are discipline and obedience. So I started to think that perhaps this concept of fasting and starving could apply to being obedient and disciplined. If I continue to look at obedience and discipline as an addictive habit I was starving myself of I will forever be stuck here in the basement of my parents house in Mecosta County, Michigan. However, If I chose to look at discipline and obedience as something to “fast towards” I will move on with my life according to God’s plan.

Here’s to fasting from cigarettes and other addictions such as cutting and “fasting towards” obedience and discipline… Let’s be adventurous.

wrecked.

I’ve been staring at this screen for a long time. I don’t know what to write but I know I want to write something. So here’s my heart tonight…

I am hurting. I am trying to break free. I am trying to fix myself. I keep hitting this wall over and over again and perhaps it’s God’s way of trying to make me realize that I cannot fix myself. But when I let go-I feel vulnerable. But someone pointed out to me that it’s always better to feel vulnerable than to be wrecked. Which is true, unless you’re like me and you feel wrecked when you’re vulnerable.

God has something big coming this year. Maybe I will finally learn to rely on God when I’m wrecked and when I’m vulnerable so I won’t feel wrecked. I have no idea what I am going to do upon graduation but I do know that I am called to Bible College and I am called to prepare for a future in ministry while I am there.

That is something I know, and it’s not negative. Although, I have to admit I was and currently am wrong and I hate being wrong God is so right- so so so so right… and will and can outlast me.

So, Yahweh. Wreck me. So that I might understand the beauty in being vulnerable. Wreck me. So that I might understand why you have given me the heart I have. Wreck me. So that I might know your grace.

bloodstained.

I have spent a good portion of my night online talking to a friend from college. We’ve talked about things like me, him, photography, t-shirts, baptism, rules, creepers, and more. I am the most ridiculous person I know. I am not content. I am a procrastinator. I am completely clueless about myself.

In fact the only things I know about myself are simple and negative. I know I do not like my body or who I am simply because some people told me I shouldn’t. I know that I have an unhealthy fear of God and commitment to him (which is why baptism is a creeper). I know that I love Psalm 62:5-7 but am too immature in faith to claim it as my own. I know, that I am not a good Christian.

I want something to own, to claim, to love and pursue full speed ahead. I long for the day when I will say hey, I am passionate about……… and have it be true. My friends say that I need to give in, surrender, break, and the likewise. I have to let go and forgive and learn and trust and obey. To change and be changed.

In all honesty, I am running from Bethany because I am running from Christ still. I am like the people of Israel who turn from the Lord and call the idols my Father. I stumbled upon a card in my Bible today, a note card tucked between bloodstained pages. The card had a simple prayer of praise on it. Something along the lines of God being the everlasting, the eternal source of love, and that through his direction and grace he has stopped the bleeding of my body.

Today. It’s been about 4 months since I last cut. The wounds are healed physically- but emotionally I am still bleeding. I feel torn inside because I am confused. I hurt because of words that were shared years ago. I hurt because I have lost my relationship with God several times. I hurt because I do not love myself…

It’s time for that to change- because somewhere beneath the blood on those pages in 1 John it says that God is love… and that his message for us is love… and that he loves us… and we should love who we are in him.

Tonight- is a new night- a new night of discovering who I am…

p.s. any suggestions are welcome.. haha.