dragon.

I read a book today. All 192 pages of Donald Miller’s To Own a Dragon. I was quite startled by the amount of truth I found in those pages. I found myself agreeing with the his points on authority, submission, and healing.

Don goes through his journey of finding himself a man even without the affirmation of his father because his father walked out of his life. Even though I do not wish to discover myself a man I do wish to find affirmation as a human.

There are several points of the book that I will post thoughts on but for tonight, this is what I want to say: At one point in this book Don shares a story of visiting at the University of Texas. The men he is talking to are talking about how hard it is to be a Christian there and then one guy asks, ” Do you think it is wrong to live here?” Don replies, “I think it is wrong to run and hide.” and finishes by saying something along the lines that whether it is wrong or right for them to live there he cannot decide but that it is different for everyone.

I was so struck by this because I have been dealing with my choice in college or living arrangements by not dealing with them. I run and hide. Maybe Bethany isn’t right, but then again maybe it is. But it is for me to decide, not everyone around me. I still need to find the root problem. Submit to God. And perhaps learn to respect and appreciate authority. But for now- I figure I’ll stop hiding.

resistant.

The other day I sat down to read my Bible for the first time in so long that I couldn’t remember if it had been weeks or months. I found myself reading the verses that used to bring so much comfort and so much hope that it overwhelmed my heart and soul. But something was very different this time around, reading those verses and favorite passages only brought on waves of guilt and conviction.

I’ve been trying to keep my distance from God and anything that could possibly bring on a sense of conviction or guilt because I know that I am living my life in a way that pleases me and makes me happy, and I am number one in my life. There is no second place.

My resistance to God started years ago but finally snowballed into this huge problem. I simply did not want God, for anything. No relationship, nodesire, no conviction. No rules. It was going to be great. I was going to find myself. And I did, I found myself…

I found myself a few weeks later with a heart that was starving for God because I need him. I found myself with pastors talking about why I won’t give in to God completely and let him love me and why I wouldn’t take the time to develop a purposeful relationship with him full of blessings and love and a full life.

I found that I love having my lip pierced. Even though people may look at me strange. I found that I like music- perhaps way to much and way too many genres of it. I found that I am slowly drifting into this place of uncertainty, where the ground is constantly giving way.

Most importantly, I found myself resisting. Resisting God, even though I knew he was the answer, the way out, the healing. I found myself resisting his love, grace, and forgiveness. After weeks and months of resisting this time around I found myself alone- with God- talking to him and yet resisting him for a long time. And about thirty minutes after I heard God whisper- hey, i’m here… I quit resisting the best I knew how.

I’m in this place right now of trust and vulnerability. I am trusting God that becoming vulnerable isn’t a bad thing. Which is extremely hard for me, but I am trusting and so far it’s gone well. I think. As well as feeling like you’re lost at sea can go… I feel completely exposed, vulnerable, and weak, yet at the same time I say bring it on…

Oh, and I also found- that God always wins waiting games. He has way more patience.

personal.

I’ve come to believe that there is nothing personal about following Christianity. Christianity, to me, has become nothing but an organized religion full of boxes and compartments and half-way empty pews.

I’m not saying this to make people angry or to turn others off from Christianity and I’m not going to twist this around and say “so follow Jesus and not Christianity.” Because quite frankly, I don’t care what you choose to do with your spiritual walk right now. Mainly because I don’t care about mine.

right now. I’ve discovered that I am a very angry, bitter, and torn person. I am not beautiful on the inside or outside. I do not love. I do not pray. I do not read scripture. I do not particularly care to hear your lectures on why I should and why I need God. I’ll figure out what I need on my own time, and when I do- I’ll have it figured out.

Routine-legalistic Christianity has left a very bad taste in my mouth and even the world can’t wash it away. Sad.

surrender.

I do not like to surrender. So much so I have a tattoo that says never surrender- so what happens when I come across situations when the only way out is to surrender? I act like a pirate- and I raise my flag and fight til the death.

music.

I love the music and lyrics of U2.

for example lately this is what I’ve been listening to:

1. Tryin’ to Throw Your Arms Around the World
“How far are you gonna go before you lose your way back home
You been tryin’ to throw your arms around the world.
Gonna run to you, run to you, run to you; be still.
Gonna run to you, run to you, woman, I will.“
2. Running to Stand Still
Sweet the sin, bitter the taste in my mouth.
I see seven towers, but I only see one way out.
You gotta cry without weeping, talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice.
You know I took the poison, from the poison stream
Then I floated out of here, singing
Ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day.

She walks through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under black belly of cloud in the rain.
In through a doorway
She brings me white golden pearls
Stolen from the sea.

She is ragin’
She is ragin’
And the storm blows up in her eyes.
She will suffer the needle chill
She’s running to stand still.
3. One
Did I disappoint you or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love and you want me to go without.
Well, it’s too late tonight to drag the past out into the light.
We’re one, but we’re not the same.
We get to carry each other, carry each other… one

I love how lyrics can mean so much more than what they were originally intended to mean. I think it’s especially sweet how and when they can become a connection between a human and God. Anyways, I love it.