Book.

I’ve been thinking about writing a book for a very long time. I think I’m finally going to do it. I want the chapters to be titled with one word and so I started to list out the topics or items I wanted to put in my book and I came up with a list of ten different things. So, I figure if I can write about 10-15 pages on each subject I will have a book of 100-150 pages. Not bad. I’d potentially need to stretch it into 200-250 to even consider attempting to get it published. But now you know what I will be doing with my free time on spring break and over the summer months when work doesn’t own my life.

Edit::: Scratch the 10 items, I now have 15.

Body.

I hate my body.

Yes, I am not unlike any other woman who finds a flaw in her body. I don’t like my curves, my arms, my legs. In fact, I even find flaws in my hair, my eyes, and my face. I do not like how I look.

I’ve recently become so concerned about the way I look that I have thought many times about developing an eating disorder in an effort to lose another 60 pounds. I know there are healthy ways to do things, but this seems so much easier. And it’s effective.

Last night, I cried. I cried because I knew my self-hatred was sin. I cried because I have a Beautiful Maker and I am made in his image. I cried because all I had to say was

“Yahweh, I hate my body. I don’t like the way I look, the way I feel. I feel fat, obese even. I hate the fact my hair is short even though if it were long I’d hate it then too. I hate the features of my face. I don’t like wearing glasses. I’d like green eyes. I wish I were a different person. Yes, I know you made me and me saying this hurts you, but I hate me.”

The crazy thing is. He already knew that. What was I thinking? I can’t hide from God. So, why was I trying to hide the fact that I hate my body from Him? Someone told me last night that in most cases when we refuse to tell someone something it’s due to fear of rejection or condemnation. And in this circumstance, that is very true. I felt that because I reject myself, God would too. I felt that because I hated myself, God would too.”

Even though I don’t love myself yet, I know I have a strong and beautiful God who loves me. He doesn’t care about the imperfections on my face or what size jean I wear. I do. But it’s like he’s blind to it. He doesn’t see the outside materialistic me, He sees my heart.

Yahweh’s response to my crying and honesty was understanding and love as he simply whispered to my heart,

My child, I know you do but please know I think you’re beautiful.

Completely?

It has been rumored that there are people who’s hearts are so committed to Christ that they don’t hold anything back. All of their thoughts, emotions, dreams, and so forth are fully the Lord’s. In some ways I wonder what that would be like and in other ways I think I know.

At this point in time my heart is as committed to Christ as it can be. I don’t know of anything that I haven’t turned over and I at this point am fully enjoying his presence. However, I still know that there will be a time where something will come up and God will be like,

“Hey Daughter, you know that thing… you know… I kinda want that.”

and I’m gonna either go,

“Hey Daddy, lets talk… or… uhm… No, I don’t think so.”

The way I function is fairly simple. The rest of my life is severely affected by my spiritual life. If I don’t do my devotions I get irritable. If I go a few days without devotions I’m even more cranky. When I’m not on good terms with God. Things go down hill fast.

Most often when my relationship with God is “on the rocks” it’s because He has asked me for something I am unwilling to turn over. In some cases, it might be a habit, a dream, or desire. Or it could be the opposite. He could have asked me to do something. Something I don’t want to do. Either way it comes down to me- resisting God- and suffering from it.

A few days ago. God asked me for something and I said no. I didn’t sleep well that night. I didn’t have a good day the next day. I was irritated and cranky and I felt bad because I wasn’t fully committed to Christ. It’s days like that I am reminded of the scriptures that talk about picking up my cross and following Christ completely.

Completely, means all of my heart, all of my mind, and all of my soul. Completely, means all of me. Including the things I want to hold onto when Christ says “Hey, I want that.”

I wonder if it is truly possible for a human to be completely surrendered or if we will only experience moments of complete surrender because we’re trapped by a nature of sin. Even if it isn’t possible to be completely surrendered to Christ… in every moment I am going to try and carry my cross in complete and humble submission to my Saviour.

A Great Mistake

Today is Easter. To some it’s simply another holiday but to me and my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ it is a day of celebration and excitement. Our Saviour is risen and that is great news. I love the story of the Crucifixion. It’s powerful. Jesus made the choice to stay on that cross even though it was my sin that put him up there.

I also love the story because I think it is Satan’s greatest mistake. Satan from the day of his rebellion has been trying to claim creation as his own and from the moment Eve bit the apple and Adam followed suit we became sinful and trapped in his rebellious nature.The only fix to our situation came and is still from the Lord Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection. Ultimately, it was our sin that put him there, and his love that kept him there.

But there is something that I find quite interesting about the way Christ died and how his trial and death came about. He was betrayed by a man whom he loved for money because he was deceived by Satan. His trial was unfair, accused of things he had never done, by men giving false testimony because they too were siding with Satan. And crucifixion was an execution reserved for the most vile of criminals and we know that Jesus was not a criminal because he was sinless, so this too, was part of the plan and I’m sure Satan enjoyed the thrill of seeing him hang there in humiliation.

Yet, I think when the nails were pounded in he began to realize that he had just made a great mistake. In order for Christ to create a path of redemption he had to live a sinless life and die and rise from the dead. I’m not sure which part of that would be the hardest, a life without sin or rising from the dead. That doesn’t matter though because he accomplished both a sinless life and freedom from grips of death. When Christ was nailed to the cross he hadn’t sinned yet, and I imagine that this is when panic set in for Satan.

See, he’d just had a perfect man crucified and as we know crucifixion leads into death. He’d just made it easier for Christ to accomplish his goal. So, how did he respond? Like he does in every situation- he begins tempting.

Shortly after the crucifixion we see that the crowds begin to harass Christ. Mocking, screaming, taunting, and so much more. The Gospels tell a story of a harsh and brutal crowd saying things like, “if you’re truly God’s son, come down off the cross” or “you say you’re here to save but you cannot even save yourself.” Temptation at his weakest moment, the moments before death. Yet, LOVE kept him there.

I’m thankful that Satan became so caught up in destroying the Son of God that he in the end ended up destroying his own kingdom and set in motion the destruction of his reign of terror.So, today I am celebrating the greatest gift of love and the power and victory of Christ over death. But also, laughing at Satan’s great mistake.

Certainly, He is greater than the clay.

Somedays, I feel like my worship is nothing more than words leaving my mouth or thoughts streaming through my head. And somedays I truly feel like I’m connecting with God in a way I’ve never met with him before. And somedays, I really do mean the words I’m saying or I rejoice in the thoughts I have about God but I don’t feel like God’s present.

Even so, I know my worship is more than rules made by man. I know I’ve been drawing near to God with words that please him, worship him, honor him and so much more. I’m not trying to hide anything from him. I’m not trying to tell him I know how to do it. I’m not trying to change his plans to fit my plans. In fact- all I am trying to do is find out what his plan is so I can change mine. For the Potter truly is greater than the clay.

 You see- I delight in God. My Father. My Saviour. And I want him to know that. Just as he wants me to know- and you to know- that he delights in you. He delights in every aspect of your life. For as a potter delights in creating a new vase or a new jar- Yahweh delights in changing you-molding you to be like him. He delights in us. Crazy. But true. Take some time to delight in God today- don’t tell him he’s a stupid potter- instead allow him to create something new in your hear

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The things that weigh heavy on my heart and mind and then make it into words as an expression of my soul.