bye.

Maybe this is where we say our good bye’s. Most of us are parting ways, simply due to the fact that we’re growing older, moving forward, we’re all changing this time. It’s not your fault, maybe it’s mine. Perhaps I cannot see the differences between you and I but I keep holding on so tight to what we used to have. Time keeps ticking, seconds turn to minutes turn to hours then to days and every one passes by and the calendar pages keep on turning. Everything changes, except for me, I stand here trying to hold on to time. I’m failing and don’t even realize that I’m losing you all this time.

I must confess that I am a mess. My life is nothing but chaos and a web of lies that I’ve woven for years and years. You thought I could be so dedicated so much different than what I truly am. You were there hoping and praying that maybe I’d grab a hold this time. But I didn’t and I couldn’t and now I simply wouldn’t. I don’t want your games, your rules and requirements. The politics, the games, the stupidity of it all. And you say that I’m the one being dumb when I turn and run, but you know that I know that I haven’t found “The One”.

If it’s not one thing it’s another, I’m at fault somehow. I should have gotten it together, but I was too busy living life. Out partying out living, out having a good time. And now I’m here just wondering could I hold on any longer. My pain is real, don’t say it’s all in my head because I’ve known this for years. It echo’s every wasted minute of this pretend life- “you’ll never make it, you’re not good enough, you’ll never be what you’re supposed to be, just give up, you’re worthless… you are nothing.” It echo’s and echo’s and when I close my eyes I see dreams fading and slipping out of my sight. I see my life… going no where… so this is why we say good bye.

next.

As many of you know I was planning on going back to school at Bethany this year. In the last week my loans fell through and I am unable to go and so I started to evaluate my life and the things that I want and desire to have. Some of you may get pissed because of what I have chosen to do instead and others will probably rejoice and thank God that I’m not going to be in full time ministry.

Either way- your reaction to my action will not change my mind. You’re pissy-ness and cheering is futile.

I am going to continue my degree at MCC in business management/administration and marketing- and probably graphic design. I will then work on my masters as I am working for some corporation or graphic design company. Which means, someday I might be a CEO in the corporate world driving a Mercedes… haha. Joking.. well partially.

There you have it… My Next Steps..

bat.

A friend of mine preached last sunday about getting in the game of life as a Christian. He used an illustration of a little kid trying to bat at a ball and missing- and a parent stepping in and helping the child swing and hit the ball. He then said “Sometimes God asks us to hold on to the bat as he swings.”

Today, I learned something about that. My loans are waiting on certification from Bethany. And that is all. I will finally have the money I need to pursue school. It’s been 3 months I’ve been battling to get this done and worked out. I kept swinging and missing… that is until I let God hold onto the bat and swing for me.

My loans. My ride. and so forth are all working out sweetly…

starving.

A while ago when I was trying to quit an addictive habit a friend of mine asked me if I knew the difference between fasting and starving. I told him that I did. Fasting being the willful abstaining from something, mainly food, beverages, chocolates, etc.. Starving takes place when a person cannot obtain items such as food and so forth. Starving can also take place when a person grudgingly denies themselves or another person said items like food and beverages.

He of course agreed with me, and then said “Don’t starve yourself of cigarettes.” That sentence changed my whole perspective on quitting and my perspective on life in general. I no longer wanted to starve myself of things I should be fasting from and I wanted to fast from things that I was starving from.

I wanted to fast from cigarettes. I wanted to fast from my addictive sins. A few words I do not like are discipline and obedience. So I started to think that perhaps this concept of fasting and starving could apply to being obedient and disciplined. If I continue to look at obedience and discipline as an addictive habit I was starving myself of I will forever be stuck here in the basement of my parents house in Mecosta County, Michigan. However, If I chose to look at discipline and obedience as something to “fast towards” I will move on with my life according to God’s plan.

Here’s to fasting from cigarettes and other addictions such as cutting and “fasting towards” obedience and discipline… Let’s be adventurous.

wrecked.

I’ve been staring at this screen for a long time. I don’t know what to write but I know I want to write something. So here’s my heart tonight…

I am hurting. I am trying to break free. I am trying to fix myself. I keep hitting this wall over and over again and perhaps it’s God’s way of trying to make me realize that I cannot fix myself. But when I let go-I feel vulnerable. But someone pointed out to me that it’s always better to feel vulnerable than to be wrecked. Which is true, unless you’re like me and you feel wrecked when you’re vulnerable.

God has something big coming this year. Maybe I will finally learn to rely on God when I’m wrecked and when I’m vulnerable so I won’t feel wrecked. I have no idea what I am going to do upon graduation but I do know that I am called to Bible College and I am called to prepare for a future in ministry while I am there.

That is something I know, and it’s not negative. Although, I have to admit I was and currently am wrong and I hate being wrong God is so right- so so so so right… and will and can outlast me.

So, Yahweh. Wreck me. So that I might understand the beauty in being vulnerable. Wreck me. So that I might understand why you have given me the heart I have. Wreck me. So that I might know your grace.

bloodstained.

I have spent a good portion of my night online talking to a friend from college. We’ve talked about things like me, him, photography, t-shirts, baptism, rules, creepers, and more. I am the most ridiculous person I know. I am not content. I am a procrastinator. I am completely clueless about myself.

In fact the only things I know about myself are simple and negative. I know I do not like my body or who I am simply because some people told me I shouldn’t. I know that I have an unhealthy fear of God and commitment to him (which is why baptism is a creeper). I know that I love Psalm 62:5-7 but am too immature in faith to claim it as my own. I know, that I am not a good Christian.

I want something to own, to claim, to love and pursue full speed ahead. I long for the day when I will say hey, I am passionate about……… and have it be true. My friends say that I need to give in, surrender, break, and the likewise. I have to let go and forgive and learn and trust and obey. To change and be changed.

In all honesty, I am running from Bethany because I am running from Christ still. I am like the people of Israel who turn from the Lord and call the idols my Father. I stumbled upon a card in my Bible today, a note card tucked between bloodstained pages. The card had a simple prayer of praise on it. Something along the lines of God being the everlasting, the eternal source of love, and that through his direction and grace he has stopped the bleeding of my body.

Today. It’s been about 4 months since I last cut. The wounds are healed physically- but emotionally I am still bleeding. I feel torn inside because I am confused. I hurt because of words that were shared years ago. I hurt because I have lost my relationship with God several times. I hurt because I do not love myself…

It’s time for that to change- because somewhere beneath the blood on those pages in 1 John it says that God is love… and that his message for us is love… and that he loves us… and we should love who we are in him.

Tonight- is a new night- a new night of discovering who I am…

p.s. any suggestions are welcome.. haha.

casino.

Two of my friends and I went to a casino the other day. I spent 5 dollars. I figured I was not going to lose any more than that. But I found myself enriched by my company. I was there with a dear friend, a brother, and confidant.

We talked about God and the things I was learning as we walked through the crowds of people, drinking and smoking cigarettes on the gaming floor. I am so excited for the mandatory coffee dates we’re going to have. To learn, share, and enjoy what is this thing called loving friendship.

are.

You are.

You exist. You are here. You live on this planet. You are.

You may be a teacher, a mom, a dad. a doctor, or you could be the president or CEO of some company. But the truth of the matter is that you exist in the moment exactly as you are. That includes all of you. Your habbits, desires, and imperfections. You are here. Where are you going?

I am simply a child. A young woman walking through life. I forget sometimes that I need to go to God as I am. To go home, with all of me. I am. You are. We need to go home running to God as we are, with all of us.

It’s hard. But it’s where I’m going. It’s where you need to go. We all need to go home as we are. Just like we go to school, work, and the store- as we are. With all of our goals, habbits, and imperfections.

Go. As you are.

dragon.

I read a book today. All 192 pages of Donald Miller’s To Own a Dragon. I was quite startled by the amount of truth I found in those pages. I found myself agreeing with the his points on authority, submission, and healing.

Don goes through his journey of finding himself a man even without the affirmation of his father because his father walked out of his life. Even though I do not wish to discover myself a man I do wish to find affirmation as a human.

There are several points of the book that I will post thoughts on but for tonight, this is what I want to say: At one point in this book Don shares a story of visiting at the University of Texas. The men he is talking to are talking about how hard it is to be a Christian there and then one guy asks, ” Do you think it is wrong to live here?” Don replies, “I think it is wrong to run and hide.” and finishes by saying something along the lines that whether it is wrong or right for them to live there he cannot decide but that it is different for everyone.

I was so struck by this because I have been dealing with my choice in college or living arrangements by not dealing with them. I run and hide. Maybe Bethany isn’t right, but then again maybe it is. But it is for me to decide, not everyone around me. I still need to find the root problem. Submit to God. And perhaps learn to respect and appreciate authority. But for now- I figure I’ll stop hiding.

resistant.

The other day I sat down to read my Bible for the first time in so long that I couldn’t remember if it had been weeks or months. I found myself reading the verses that used to bring so much comfort and so much hope that it overwhelmed my heart and soul. But something was very different this time around, reading those verses and favorite passages only brought on waves of guilt and conviction.

I’ve been trying to keep my distance from God and anything that could possibly bring on a sense of conviction or guilt because I know that I am living my life in a way that pleases me and makes me happy, and I am number one in my life. There is no second place.

My resistance to God started years ago but finally snowballed into this huge problem. I simply did not want God, for anything. No relationship, nodesire, no conviction. No rules. It was going to be great. I was going to find myself. And I did, I found myself…

I found myself a few weeks later with a heart that was starving for God because I need him. I found myself with pastors talking about why I won’t give in to God completely and let him love me and why I wouldn’t take the time to develop a purposeful relationship with him full of blessings and love and a full life.

I found that I love having my lip pierced. Even though people may look at me strange. I found that I like music- perhaps way to much and way too many genres of it. I found that I am slowly drifting into this place of uncertainty, where the ground is constantly giving way.

Most importantly, I found myself resisting. Resisting God, even though I knew he was the answer, the way out, the healing. I found myself resisting his love, grace, and forgiveness. After weeks and months of resisting this time around I found myself alone- with God- talking to him and yet resisting him for a long time. And about thirty minutes after I heard God whisper- hey, i’m here… I quit resisting the best I knew how.

I’m in this place right now of trust and vulnerability. I am trusting God that becoming vulnerable isn’t a bad thing. Which is extremely hard for me, but I am trusting and so far it’s gone well. I think. As well as feeling like you’re lost at sea can go… I feel completely exposed, vulnerable, and weak, yet at the same time I say bring it on…

Oh, and I also found- that God always wins waiting games. He has way more patience.